Mistakes and unwanted outcomes are a part of life. Yet, it strikes me that we are as averse to getting it wrong as we are to conflict. Recently, I wrote a post that positioned conflict as creative or corrosive, depending on the mindset approach. Similarly. mistakes can lead to either futility or fertility. No, not that sort of mistake, nor that form of fertility. I’m referring to fertile learning as opposed the the futility of staying stuck.
Read MoreIn my last post I interdicted the idea of a ‘First Conversation’ that creates a plan or a roadmap for action. I also showed you a simpler/lighter approach to this first conversation. But sometimes, the situation needs more work, deeper planning. Where VUCA* exists in your current calamitous family environment, you may need s stronger process to navigate the issues and plan the route ahead. VUCA stands for volatile, uncertain, complex and ambiguous - a great description of our current world.
Read MoreWhen times are good, we are reluctant to raise the spectre of past problems. So we quietly pack the problems away and get on with enjoying the calm, be it ceasefire, detente or truce. Sooner or later, previous hotspots are triggered, and before you can draw breath, you are on the downhill run of the rollercoaster, back into old conflicts with everyone repeating the same patterns of behaviour. This may be further amplified by actually bringing up old wounds with our global statements characterised by the demon words ‘‘never and always’.
Read MoreBeing good at conversations that matter separates strong family cultures from chaotic. The conversation need not be structured or systematic, yet for many families, conversation itself can be calamitous. Understanding conversation and using a system to build learning about these important conversations is the basis of my approach in the book.
Read MoreBrains are complex, hence people are complex. And now our world, in only weeks, has been turned on its head. We are truly living out VUCA lives - volatile, uncertain, complex and ambiguous. No simple solution can address such a situation, yet a strategy with a series of steps can help. Hence this system. Now it is not an earth-shattering innovation - just three simple phases that are rarely applied to family relationships and issues.
Read MoreWhen it comes to parenting, we often resort to the ‘methods’ we experienced as a child. We certainly don’t take a systematic approach, and we often find ourselves doing all the hard work. It’s like mining for gold haphazardly using out-dated tools focused on anything other than pay-dirt. Some lessons from education can provide great parenting hacks to reduce calamity at home.
Read MoreWe all have word and phrase habits - the things we often repeat. These habits will be powerfully contributing to the ‘culture’ of your relationships, especially between you and your spouse/partner, and your kids. Maybe even your work relationships. Hidden in the language you use will be triggers that either calm or escalate unwanted emotions. Conflict can thus be either creative or corrosive.
Read MoreMost relationships (work or personal) move through a variety of ‘weather systems’ - there are many blue sky days and then there are the storms. ‘Bad weather’ days are inevitable, and come with the territory of simply spending time with others. The thing is, when the skies are sunny and warm, we are reluctant to raise the issues that create the stormy times. We fear that ‘sleeping dogs’, once awoken, will (re)trigger conflict.
Read MoreToday’s book extract covers my favourite model - yes, even more favourite than SCARF. It is a little hard to know who to attribute this to as the original creator, but plenty of people have developed the idea further. Of those, Matt Church and Michael Henderson have had greatest impact on my thinking.
Read MoreAttention given to the things you want to change and improve is the only way that you can actually meet your aspirations. The adults in your family have the most amount of available attention, though this too is scarce enough. Kids have much lower capacity to use and manage attention.
All of the the rest of From Calamity To Sanity is about harnessing attention - yours and your kids’ - towards building a happy and productive family culture
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