In the blender – traps for second marriages with children

Have you seen the statistics for second marriage failures? Try these from the US National Center for Health Statistics (2002):

Second marriage failure rates for women in the US:

After 10 years of remarriage, the probability of that marriage ending is

• 32 percent for women with no children at remarriage
• 40% for women with children, but none of whom were reported as unwanted
• 44% for women with children, and any of whom were reported as unwanted (slightly higher, at 47 percent, among white women)

The presence of children from a previous marriage for either partner increases the chance of this second marriage failing.  These statistics are replicated in most western cultures, with second marriage failure rates seemingly higher than first marriage stats, particularly where children are involved. Clearly, other factors contribute to second marriage breakdown, though most of this have similar hallmarks to the issue of children.

You see, our brains are good at spotting patterns, and applying assumptions. Further, our brains actively seek evidence for held assumptions and beliefs, preventing us from seeing the complete picture.

For ‘blended families’ – second marriages where children are present from the previous relationship of one or both of the partners – the assumptions, judgements and beliefs in play can erode the primary relationship. All the more so given that often these assumptions and beliefs are not obvious. Some of the traps here include:

1. “Love me, love my kids”…I must love my partner’s children as much or in the same way as I love my own.  Once you uncover this assumption and give each other permission to feel differently about own and step children, then the shackles of expectation are released. I would argue it a biological condition to love your own child at least in a different way, if not a more intense way.
2. “Love availability” is limited, not abundant.  Because attention is limited we sometimes assume our love is equally limited. In reality, we have, or can have limitless love for each member in a family, with that love being possibly quite diverse in nature and type. A key question for discussion or reflection: how can I distribute my attention so that love/respect is felt unconditionally.
3. Conditional vs unconditional: particularly prevalent in the step-parent relationship is the limiting/undermining element of conditionality. “If you behave then…”, “If you respect me then …”. Strong setp-parent/step-child relationships are built on unconditionality: in spite of you not yet connecting with me (or doing what I want etc) I will listen to you, respect you and believe in you. Quite literally, children today live by “if you don’t listen to me, why should I listen to you?”. Listening is the key here. Listen, don’t judge or assume.

The secrets to building a lasting blended family sit with the following list:

1. Accept ‘love diversity” – it’s OK to love biological and step kids differently.
2. Start by unconditionally respecting your step-kids. Listen to them, believe in them. Most often, unconditional respect will grow into unconditional love.
3. Know how to stay calm under pressure.
4. Be aware of your attentional biases
5. Have a consistent plan of behaviour expectation that you as co-parents talk about, agree upon and implement
6. Accept conflict as it occurs – in spite of it being uncomfortable, when it is managed through a calm, listening and observational position, it is the indicator of growth. Conflict will occur, how you manage it is the key.
7. Talk with your partner – ask yourselves what are we assuming, what are we not seeing, what are we judging?

Blended families are like a plane – some have both parents up the font as true co-pilots, some have one as the pilot and the other as passenger, and some even have the kids flying the plane. The only lasting option is the first – which one are you?