Emotional intelligence – let go and move on…

Posted by Andrew on March 4, 2010 · 1 Comment 

Heathrow baggage handler strike
Image by tjriley82 via Flickr

I’ve not been blogging here for a little while with my focus on building the content over at The Success Zone. Thing is, I had a useful personal lesson today. About my past, my future, and the application of emotional wisdom, not just emotional intelligence.

As is the case with many of us, I have a past, that while providing me with absolute joy (i.e. my daughter) comes also, some baggage. Dare I call this my old wrinkly suitcase? Clearly, I am talking about a past relationship (indeed now long past) that did not manage to survive. When life moves on, and people don’t, vindictiveness and obsessing about new information are hallmarks of staying stuck. This week, on the 10 year anniversary of the cessation of that relationship, I have discovered again frenetic google searching, bogus client calls to access information about my business and who knows what else.

While this level of detail might seem indulgent, it does serve a purpose. You see, my first response was indignation, the second violation and the third sadness. My initial thoughts, I will admit, were to serve the same kind of behaviour in return. Clearly, a Red Zone response. It took some distance from the situation, some reframing, some labelling and permission to move on from these feelings. These four methods of thinking about your emotions have been shown to manage down unwanted emotions, and in my case allowed me to move on from staying stuck in around an hour. Not years, months, days even.

So if you in the middle of a strong Red Zone reaction, try:

  1. Being a fly on the wall to your thinking and emotions – distance gives clarity. Ask yourself – will I remember this in a year’s time? If not, move on…
  2. Give yourself permission – life has its ups and downs, and the downs are neither permanent, nor define you.
  3. Label how you feel – in my language, it is the Red Zone. Whatever language you use, make it symbolic (not detailed). Symbolism helps (hence the reference to the suitcase above), detail just re-triggers the emotion. Fun, but disabling language really helps. A friend of mine refers to the fruit salad in her head, symbolic for the confusion she often feels.
  4. Reframe: retell the situation in a way that reduces the impact for you. In this case it was “she just hasn’t found happiness yet”. This keeps you out of all of the accusatory self-talk that, again, just re-resonates all of the damaging thinking/feeling.

Practicing these cognitive tricks to manage your feelings builds your emotional intelligence and moves you towards being emotionally wise.

What if you are the one who is stuck? Magically, the same four strategies work for you too…

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Filed under Behaviour, Book, Brain, Emotions, Red Zone, Relationships, The Success Zone · Tagged with , , , , , ,

The Ten Best Questions for Growth or Change

Posted by Andrew on November 11, 2009 · 2 Comments 

10 Best Questions for Reflection, Clarity, Insight and Growth

The list of questions below are proven questions to help another person, or yourself, find reflection, clarity and insight around an issue. The intention is to show the general structure of these questions as examples, rather than ‘exact’ questions that you would quote verbatim. Shape them to your needs as required, considering the content and context.

You can use these questions as individual points of reflection, or as a sequence.

  1. If things were perfect tomorrow (with regard to the issue), what would be different (in what you see and how you feel)?
  2. What aspects of this situation are you happy with?
  3. How would you rate your effectiveness/satisfaction here, say out of 10?
  4. What rating would be pleased with, or would help you meet the current challenge?
  5. What do you need to do to move towards your preferred/needed rating?
  6. How is your current thinking or feeling impacting on the outcomes, results or goal?
  7. What thinking or feeling do you need to have to meet your goal(s) or challenge?
  8. What learning emerges for you (either from your experience, the situation or these questions)?
  9. What are the implications for your next steps?
  10. What are your next steps or actions?

Bonus Question Group: Johari Question Set

Based on the Johari Window concept, the following four questions are powerful and can be asked in many contexts (reflection, conflict management:

  1. How do I see myself? (skills, behaviour, attitudes, thinking)
  2. How do others see me?
  3. How would I like to be seen?
  4. How do I need to be to be effective? (or to find resolution, or to meet the challenge)

Filed under Change, Coaching, FCG, Influence, Leadership, Questioning, Relationships, Teaching & Learning · Tagged with , , , , , , ,

In the blender – traps for second marriages with children

Posted by Andrew on November 9, 2009 · 2 Comments 

familyblenderHave you seen the statistics for second marriage failures? Try these from the US National Center for Health Statistics (2002):

Second marriage failure rates for women in the US:

After 10 years of remarriage, the probability of that marriage ending is

  • 32 percent for women with no children at remarriage
  • 40% for women with children, but none of whom were reported as unwanted
  • 44% for women with children, and any of whom were reported as unwanted (slightly higher, at 47 percent, among white women)

The presence of children from a previous marriage for either partner increases the chance of this second marriage failing.  These statistics are replicated in most western cultures, with second marriage failure rates seemingly higher than first marriage stats, particularly where children are involved. Clearly, other factors contribute to second marriage breakdown, though most of this have similar hallmarks to the issue of children.

You see, our brains are good at spotting patterns, and applying assumptions. Further, our brains actively seek evidence for held assumptions and beliefs, preventing us from seeing the complete picture.

For ‘blended families’ – second marriages where children are present from the previous relationship of one or both of the partners – the assumptions, judgements and beliefs in play can erode the primary relationship. All the more so given that often these assumptions and beliefs are not obvious. Some of the traps here include:

  1. “Love me, love my kids”…I must love my partner’s children as much or in the same way as I love my own.  Once you uncover this assumption and give each other permission to feel differently about own and step children, then the shackles of expectation are released. I would argue it a biological condition to love your own child at least in a different way, if not a more intense way.
  2. “Love availability” is limited, not abundant.  Because attention is limited we sometimes assume our love is equally limited. In reality, we have, or can have limitless love for each member in a family, with that love being possibly quite diverse in nature and type. A key question for discussion or reflection: how can I distribute my attention so that love/respect is felt unconditionally.
  3. Conditional vs unconditional: particularly prevalent in the step-parent relationship is the limiting/undermining element of conditionality. “If you behave then…”, “If you respect me then …”. Strong setp-parent/step-child relationships are built on unconditionality: in spite of you not yet connecting with me (or doing what I want etc) I will listen to you, respect you and believe in you. Quite literally, children today live by “if you don’t listen to me, why should I listen to you?”. Listening is the key here. Listen, don’t judge or assume.

The secrets to building a lasting blended family sit with the following list:

  1. Accept ‘love diversity” – it’s OK to love biological and step kids differently.
  2. Start by unconditionally respecting your step-kids. Listen to them, believe in them. Most often, unconditional respect will grow into unconditional love.
  3. Know how to stay calm under pressure.
  4. Be aware of your attentional biases
  5. Have a consistent plan of behaviour expectation that you as co-parents talk about, agree upon and implement
  6. Accept conflict as it occurs – in spite of it being uncomfortable, when it is managed through a calm, listening and observational position, it is the indicator of growth. Conflict will occur, how you manage it is the key.
  7. Talk with your partner – ask yourselves what are we assuming, what are we not seeing, what are we judging?

Blended families are like a plane – some have both parents up the font as true co-pilots, some have one as the pilot and the other as passenger, and some even have the kids flying the plane. The only lasting option is the first – which one are you?

Filed under Behaviour, Listening, Relationships · Tagged with , , , ,